Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
