So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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