Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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