obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
