Apparently you make a good broom.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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