Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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