just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
