I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
