So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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