the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
