A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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