I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
