I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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