I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
