really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
