and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
