Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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