i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
