My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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