so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
