Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
