He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
