yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
