____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
only you would photoshop your dick
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
