Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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