I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my liver is dry heaving
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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