she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
