You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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