I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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