I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
