This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
