How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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