dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
