he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
