i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
