I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
