We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
