I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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