Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
