No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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