I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
