At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
