the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Can I color on your dick again?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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