Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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