Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
