At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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