Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
