dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
