i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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