Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
