My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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